Now Taking Your Votes on Hook #3 for My First Novel

Once again, I’m looking for your input on, what is now, my 3rd hook for my young adult novel. I toned it down some, which I think makes it a little more palatable for younger audiences. Still, I’m looking for input, so please comment. I’m taking votes until Friday, the 13.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

“Frank pestered me about my drinking, too, before I stabbed him with the butter knife.” Mama’s eyes narrowed at Ramon, standing in her doorway. Her lips quivered as if she was barely able to restrain her hatred for him.

Then, a wave of fatigue overwhelmed her, and her eyes lazily closed. Her head lolled on her shoulders a few rotations, then snapped back with a start. She snorted as if she had suddenly awoken, or Ramon was simply beneath her.

Ramon wasn’t sure if it was one, or both.

She slurred: “Whatta you care anyways?” She raised the tequila bottle to her lips and took a deep gulp. Ramon opened his mouth to protest, and she slammed her bedroom door shut in his face.

Ramon blinked with surprise and jumped back. He quietly mouthed the words: “I didn’t mean to make you mad, Mama. I just . . .”

The memory of the hatred on her red face burned in his mind and gave him pause. Its frightening intensity steadily worked its way through his battered defenses, rekindling all his former shock and terror, and then . . . his baffled uncertainty: What should I do?

He leaped across the living room on his tiptoes and fled inside his room. Breathless, he locked the door behind him. He leaned against the door for support and paused to catch his breath. Then, he began his routine when Mama was violently drunk. He picked up his Louisville Slugger bat and withdrew to his Serta mattress pitched in the corner of his room. He clinched the bat to his chest and buried his head into his pillow.

“Please, Mama, wake up sober tomorrow.”

Posted in Fiction, The Obedient Son
2 comments on “Now Taking Your Votes on Hook #3 for My First Novel
  1. chris says:

    Good morning David,
    Yes, it is morning here in the west coast; almost 8am.

    I do really like your 3rd hook the best out of the three. There is one minor thing that I noticed that drew a question…its between the 7th and 8th sentence. Did Ramon go into mama’s room or did mama come out of her room to confront Ramon? No biggy, but…enjoy reading your writings. God has definetely given you a talent to glory Him! In Christ, Chris

    • Thanks for your input, Chris. I’m still reworking it, but the novel is on the shelf for now, too much going. But thank you for your graciousness, nonetheless. I look forward to continued correspondence. Your brother in Christ, David